Sans Soleil

from by Ceschi



This has been an awfully costly trip
Taking many parts of me with it
Taken away
Finished with the talking about it
Most my words are hardly making sense anyway
This has been an awfully costly trip but this planet hasn’t lost me yet
Take it away
This has been an awfully costly trip but my body hasn’t rotted yet
Sans Soleil
Wrote another eulogy for a friend that will stay hidden inside a notepad
Never to be read
On a plane, again
Devastated while all these strangers are staring with mouths agape at my face, as if they pity some sort of elephant man
Listening to “Love Song For Dead Che” (by United States of America)
Followed by “The Requiem”
Thinking of short lives
How Amadeus (Mozart) was 35 when he died, yet somehow I’m alive
With both feet standing Galápagos Island... where Darwin spent five weeks to be immortalized
I’m only discovering ways to hide this heart pounding anxiety from my mother’s eyes
I feel her sensing that I’m not fine, and she’s right
She sees the creases on my forehead grow darker from feeling the cold breath of death on the back of my neck each night
NaNaNa NaNaNa NaNaNa
Wrote a song for Rob called “Survival Part 1”
Wrote one for Maria called “July It Snowed”
Can’t believe we lost you Sixo
Fucking hate the fact that you never got the chance to see your beautiful girls grow
Bender’s mother handed me a painting of her son smiling
I miss the way he drunk dialed me to speak in Blood Meridian wildly
They kicked me out of Canada
Never saw him again
Niles and I talked death
About the times we felt numb enough to make life end
A year ago he wrote he had a year left
Still didn’t want to believe it when I received the text
Cleaned his house spotless
Fed the pets
Wrote a short note
Put a rope around his neck
Feel bad I never wrote back about that Death Grips track
I was hating, now I’ll listen back
J, Bryan, AJ, Noah - Fucking smack
Such beautiful art stopped dead in its tracks by track marks
Figurines of sad, fat luck cats sit armless in bodegas
Wish I could have saved you
Wish I could have saved you all
I wish I saved you
Today the perfectly curated image galleries of their lives are left on social media sites
Frozen in time
Pretty girls on the internet ask me if I’m fine
I reply “I’m alive, alright?”.


from Sad, Fat Luck, released April 4, 2019


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